I have been thinking, quite a bit lately, about my beliefs in my particular religion. I am definitely the kind of person who has a questioning heart and needs to research until I am left even more confused. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is all about LOVE - loving yourself, your family, your friends, your neighbors, and complete, total strangers. My problem is that people mess it up for me, like obliterate it into something that I don't even recognize anymore. It is one of the main reasons that I decided not to go to church for about 10 years of my life. Since I am nearing 40, I think that I am in a better place mentally. I know that I need to focus on my own relationship with my Savior, and not rely on the cultural aspects of church membership. I know, how idealistic of me!

A great family friend recently called me a hippie. I did not take offense to this because I understand why she did it, and it was actually a compliment. I had been lamenting about this terrible political situation in the United States, and said that we needed to stop pointing fingers and just love one another. There is certainly a lack of love in this world. I had a conversation with a manager at Walmart a few weeks ago. He and I are completely different people, but we both feel so strongly that this world lacks love. If two total strangers from different walks of life and cultures can come to that conclusion, then why can't everyone else?

My heart is sad. Overburdened. I try so hard to look towards the light, but for a realist like myself, it can be difficult to maintain that peppy, optimistic outlook. I'm mostly living in the moment, from one moment to the next. And honestly, that is okay, but it is also NOT okay. I have become complacent. Stuck, if you will. I have zero goals. I am doing the best I can, which is me barely hanging on. I finally think that the haze is lifting a bit and that I am ready to move forward - to renew my resolve to self actualization and continual learning.

I realize the world will never be perfect. People mess it up. I get that. I want to think that we can make the difference one small thing at a time. I am going to show more love and less cynicism.

I recently returned from my church's summer camp for girls ages 12-18. I served the entire week as a cook. The experience taught me that doing something for other people, especially something so hard (it was HARD WORK), really is a quiet sort of reward. Not too many people understand the magnitude of what you just did and they don't see the blisters, or aching bodies that go into service. I guess my younger self would have wanted so much recognition for that, but being the older, wiser me, I can step back and appreciate that I helped to make that camp experience for those girls amazing. They are so loved. I know that I am loved by my Heavenly Mother and Father so much and that they appreciate the sacrifices made to help those girls draw closer to the Savior.

I did actually get some more out of camp than I thought that I would. I worked with some wonderful women who helped me talk openly about my doubts (mostly about the church and certain things that upset me). I know that these women love me so much. They got home from camp and researched answers to questions that I had, just to help me have a greater knowledge. I am really so very lucky, but at the same time, I know that those answers, questions, and conversations were placed in this experience to help me progress. Truth is that I have been stuck, for quite some time, and have really thought about abandoning my faith.

I am hoping to write more, read more, and learn more in the coming weeks, months, years, so that I can look back to this blog post and see how far I have come.